I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
