I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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