I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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