billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
