I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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