____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I see more hoeing in ur future
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