So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
