I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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