The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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