Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
