I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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