There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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