I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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