I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
