It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Bring me that man meat
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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