I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Green mimosas i think yes
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize