No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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