dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You left your phone here
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