Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
