I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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