i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
