I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
