You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
