yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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