Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
