i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
