I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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