FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
