Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
