Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
