Dude my mom stole all your condoms
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Girls should come with a carfax report
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
