Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
