I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
