i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
