I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
