she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
