Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
