All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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