I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize