if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
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