Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
