that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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