Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
