I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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