This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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