Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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