Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
