Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
