Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
