Porn is love you can see.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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