$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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