I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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