Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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