90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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