I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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