Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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