i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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