how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
