I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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