There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize