you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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