meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize