I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
