I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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