i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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