if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
