I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
