Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
