For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
