Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Randomize
