is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
