when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
