Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
