he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
